Thats how long I’ve been a parent for. Does that make me an expert? Fuck no. Should anyone take any advice from me? Not a chance.

But, heres the top 5* things I’ve learnt so far:

(Note: the below post contains no smugness, no advice & no babies were (badly) harmed in the learning of these lessons).

1. Its actually better to not want kids and then have them anyway, than to actually want them (yeah thats right, all you maternal judge-y types!) My expectations of myself as a parent were so non-existent that I don’t suffer from (as much) of the self-imposed pressure that other Mums put upon themselves. Yes I want Sonny to be happy & healthy (& incredibly good looking) but thats about as far ahead as i’ve thought (and thats all on him anyway, not me!) so everything else is a bonus! Its much harder for Sal who wanted kids so badly, and has so many expectations of herself, because she wants to be the perfect Mum. And thats impossible. So aim low guys, aim low.
2. Fuck all the naysayers, you can take your kid anywhere you like. Sonny has been on 2 wine tours, to several house parties and numerous pubs. He will have travelled to 4 different countries by the time he’s 1 year old and the world has not ended. Sally and I go out separately, I still occasionally roll home hammered at 0500am and I have an independent trip planned for Borneo next April. Yeah thats right, fuck you smug advice givers! Life goes on!
3. Sleep is for the weak. Seriously, the sleep deprivation is bad. You will actually go a little crazy. Not even night shift prepares you. This is next level shit. I think its because on a night shift you’re up all night, you know whats coming and you can see the end in sight (and you’re being paid!)  but babies are like manipulative little ninjas! These fuckers wake up, they cry, they feed and then they go back to sleep and you’re lulled into feeling like you’re getting sleep but then you’re up again! And again! And again! And you’re doing this shit for free! Believe me, there will be a one week period where you think “Shit yeah, this is ok, this is easy, I can do this!” and then BAM. Sleep deprivation creeps up on you, smacks you in the face with the crazy stick and its all over. You will go back and read texts you sent during this period and wonder why you weren’t institutionalised. (Sorry friends, sorry).
4. You will forever smell a little like vomit. Its unavoidable. Just go with it.
5. (*I kind of already knew this one) Its okay to use alcohol and caffiene as a crutch. If all that gets you through the day is pseudoephedrine, no doze plus, 3 cups of coffee and the thought of red wine in the evening (or anytime after lunch) – thats okay! Everything is oooookay. Its not an addiction, or a problem, its a coping mechanism. Just roll with it.